House Show 18 Aug
Aug 19, 2013 1:13:04 GMT -7
Post by howardschilling on Aug 19, 2013 1:13:04 GMT -7
I was gonna intro this but got hijacked by someo-
Tito: That's enough out of you you wizenheimer. Welcome everyone to the excellence in column writing. This young idiot must have had to rob JBL in order to pay me to come to one of his shows, let alone get me out of the nursing home for retired columnists. Since he didn't pay me NEARLY enough to watch this show I will try to give an objective opinion although really Howard? A house show? Hopefully JBL has a bunch of stocks that are doing well for him because I might have to sue you for having the audacity to ask me to come down to a swamp to watch a wrestling show.
This show was okay for what it was but for the love of god Howard never do that to me again, I'm an old man who needs comfort and care in his twilight years.
Tito: That's enough out of you you wizenheimer. Welcome everyone to the excellence in column writing. This young idiot must have had to rob JBL in order to pay me to come to one of his shows, let alone get me out of the nursing home for retired columnists. Since he didn't pay me NEARLY enough to watch this show I will try to give an objective opinion although really Howard? A house show? Hopefully JBL has a bunch of stocks that are doing well for him because I might have to sue you for having the audacity to ask me to come down to a swamp to watch a wrestling show.
- Apparently "South Beach" (what a stupid name for a promotion, I coulda come up with a better one during my weekly bowel movement) has made Low Ki their champ and I'm amazed that this kid was smart enough to do that. He came out to set up for a match with Jay Lethal but got stopped by Dean Ambrose who wanted the next title shot. He got stopped by Cookie Monster Punk whose straight-edge shenanigans deluded him enough to believe that he deserves a shot. A match was made between the two for later. Oh joy, oh bliss.
- Next up was a match that BLATANTLY rips off a little company called Impact Wrestling, in the "King of the Ring Series". Jesus people, try coming up with something new for a change. Any ways Austin Aries from a company called the "Independent Union" (seriously? how can you have an "Independent Union" in a "National Wrestling Alliance"?) faced off with Wes Brisco from California Pro. Good god Aries wrestled circles around this supposed second generation "star". Send that kid back to the minors, Aries wins with a 450 splash that is still the best in the business. I'm going to start dialing the number to my lawyer....
- Damien Sandow gave us all a speech about how the educational system in this country has declined as he prepared to face Justin Gabriel from CPW in another King of the Ring Series match and it's a good thing my nurse is sitting right beside me in case I have a stroke. Sandow landed a low blow and finished up with a straight jacket neckbreaker he calls the Terminus for the win.....yay?
- Next up was my boy Hustle's favorite up and comer Uhaa Nation facing off with the roided freak Scott Steiner in a third King of the Ring Series match. ELIZABETH I'M COMING! IT'S THE BIG ONE! These two behemoths lumbered around and I felt sorry that Uhaa was probably going to get charged for murder after this. Nation wins with his triple power bomb called the All Out Assault. Ezekiel Jackson would come out after the match and lay Uhaa out with an urunage that he calls the Book of Ezekiel.....Howard better have the ghost of Johnny Cochran on speed dial...
- Duke Rotundo comes out as Bray Wyatt looking like Waylon Mercy from Cape Fear. He beats a random college kid that wanted to make a quick 75 bucks and tells everyone that all the questions will be answered soon and to follow the buzzards. I'm guessing they're going to be leading to Howard because he'll be living in a cardboard box after I'm through with him. Thank GOD this led to intermission.
- I guess Howard was running out of ideas because when I came back from the merch stand which had a lot of stuff but nothing that caught my fancy there was a six man battle Royal with Caprice Coleman, Matt Hardy, Alex Riley, The Undertaker, Karl Anderson, and Colt Cabana. I hate these clusterfucks but the crowd seemed to be into it. Karl Anderson surprised everyone around by last eliminating Undertaker for the win. Wow that legit surprised me. I think I'll only sue Howard for 3/4s of what he's worth for surprising me like that....
- We had an all South Beach affair for the next match as PAC and Amazing Red took on the former World Tag Team Champs Adam Cole and Kyle O'Reilly. For the love of god, THESE schmucks were tag team champs? They must weigh an Olsen twin and 4/5s! And people wonder why tag team wrestling is dying. I'll hold my own private memorial later. I REALLY want to go back to the nursing home but they just offered me a complementary bottle of Dom Perignon to stay. I guess that smartass knows about my displeasure and wants to make sure he has enough money left to buy a cardboard box after we get out of court. Now where was I? Oh right, the match. Adam Cole hit a straightjacket german suplex he calls the "Florida Key" to win after punting Red between the legs while the ref's back was turned. I'll sue for the Florida Key as well, which will look nice on my mantle. That's right folks I have a mantle in my bedroom at the nursing home. DEAL WITH IT.
- Next up was a King of the Ring series and so far this one has been full of queens with the exception of a few people. Am I going to let you know who? Of course not, because I am the Bret Hart of column writing. This match was Chris Hero from Independent Union (I still can't stand the name and I might have to sue whoever is in charge of THAT territory too) against Kofi Kingston who apparently won this thing last year. Now THIS is how you put on a wrestling match. Finally Howard you give me something to work with. Hero has apparently gone winless in this tournament so far and he came out like a man possessed. Kofi Kingston is pound for pound the flashiest wrestler in the business and he has refined his technique to match with any type of competitor. After a lengthy match, Hero wins with a Hero's Welcome. Ok Howard, you got me. I marked for that. Well played having a shitty undercard. By my count we have three matches left, and this better not have been an aberration otherwise I might have to change my mind.
- Our next match was The Chicago Made Cookie Monster who thinks he is Championship Material (although I will be the judge of THAT) and was once thought of to be a Cole Miner, CM Punk taking on a man who blatantly ripped off Shane Douglas's first name Dean Ambrose for the number one contendership to the South Beach Title on Tuesday's Tampa show. Son of a gun, we got two good matches in a row! Charles Montgomery and a man who shows a lot of Moxley, I mean moxie, went at it. These men went to it and ended in a double pin when Punk couldn't bridge a german suplex into a complete pin. Howard comes down to the ring and this is my first time actually seeing this young man. GOOD GOD he's a goofy looking bastard! He announces that whoever wins the main event will be going against CM PUNK AND Jon Moxley on This Tuesday in Tampa. I'll be damned this kid has some balls to book old school like this. Could I be.....softening? Nah.
- Our next to last match was "The FN Machine" Brian Cage from Hybrid Pro (Sweet mercy mother of god how many dumb territorial names do I have to put up with tonight? Independent Union? South Beach? Hybrid Pro? God dammit I know people at the nursing home that are retarded with dementia that could come up with better names than this and most of those idiots at the Shady Pines home can't even remember what Bingo is while they're playing it!) facing Tyler Black. Apparently Brian Cage is being a whiny little boy about not wanting to lose a match. Jesus Christ even Goldberg didn't cry about losing a match...he just didn't know booking strategy. Tyler Black, who looks like a damned hippie (and if ANYONE has a right to speak on hippies it's me because I lived through the 60s and all those flower children were and are a bunch of pussies), decided to take his balls out of Gabe Sapolsky's mouth and stand up, playing up his whole "god's last gift" bit. Maybe he's a Jew? These men though, put on one hell of a 25 minute match that ended up in a time limit draw.....until Howard's skinny ass came down while the crowd was chanting for five more minutes and decided to give the fans double their money and make it 10 more minutes. Good man, however, NEITHER man could pick up a fall in the 35 minutes. Will Cage finally shut the hell up now? Probably not. Oh well.
- Our main event was Low Ki vs Jay Lethal for the South Beach Belt. Hard to believe that Lethal was once Hydro and trained by Sloppy Joe. Ki is an underrated worker and I might have been a little low on Lethal. The match was decent and finished with a Ki Krusher. Afterwards the fans cheered as both men shook hands. I think I'm going to puke. Luckily Kazarian, Bully Ray and Devon came down to destroy the two men to end the show. There's nothing more that I love than a bad ending.
This show was okay for what it was but for the love of god Howard never do that to me again, I'm an old man who needs comfort and care in his twilight years.
. Anyways, great show man.